Cat Bin Lady Signed By Cowell
FREAK wrangler Simon Cowell has signed a 50-year-old woman after footage of her slamdunking a cat became an internet sensation.
Wayne Hayes, one of Cowell's flying monkeys, said: "When Simon started watching the video, he rolled his eyes and assumed it was just another middle-aged woman stroking a cat but when he saw her treat a trusting innocent with such withering contempt he knew he'd found a kindred spirit.
"It was another Susan Boyle moment, but instead of a frumpy older woman suddenly revealing the voice of an angel it was a frumpy older woman revealing that she was a vindictive, pinch-faced old picklefanny."
Bale has been offered protection by Coventry police after a local vigilante group threatened to torch her house for being a paedophile on the basis the cat was only two years old.
And Cowell is already facing a backlash with some accusing him of manufacturing the incident amid claims that Bale's cat-dunking has been digitally enhanced.
Former neighbour, Nikki Hollis, said: "I remember loads of times when Mary found stray cats in her back garden and she couldn't hit the side of a shed with them. Though not for want of trying."
Meanwhile, Pakistani orphan, Ali Sanjar, said: "If my entire family had not been swept to their death by the mighty Indus, I'm sure they would be horrified to see such a nutritious animal being chucked in the bin like that."
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