the dailymash

Research by the Institute for Studies found that gayness is spread by a strange, predatory entity that floats in the air and can also live inside whatever it wants, a bit like the devil or John Carpenter's The Thing but with a much greater aptitude for cushion arrangement.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "Tables, chairs, dogs, cats, the sky, automatic weapons; the dark force of gay is everywhere, just like those germs in bleach adverts, and it could turn young boys a bit sensitive and emotional at any time.

"The only way to protect male offspring from the long-taloned clutches of the unseen omnipresent man-love beast is to keep them locked in a room lined with copies of Andy McNab's Bravo Two Zero until they're old enough to read Knave."

He added: "It lives. Fear it."

Helen Archer, from Swindon, believes her unborn son was tainted by the gayness after it entered her womb during the night with a faint hissing sound.

She said: "The next day I went for a scan and the doctor detected a creaky lisping voice in my tummy quoting Oscar Wilde's pithiest epithets and lecturing my unborn child on the benefits of wearing a colourful scarf.

"Five months later my baby popped out smoking a cigarette in a holder, and said 'Greetings, ancestors!' in a loud flamboyant voice while wiping bits of placenta off of himself with a palpable disdain."

She added: "That night my husband went home and burned all the blue things we'd bought."

Father of two Roy Hobbs confirmed that the gayness can strike at any time: "My twelve year-old lad was into football and Jason Statham until he touched a seemingly harmless discarded Callippo tube. Now he's got hair like Kate Bush and does expressive contemporary dance. Unfortunately he's rather good."